How God Used Marriage to Heal My Fear of Marriage

I am only seven months into marriage, so I would not dare try to give marriage advice just yet. I will leave that to those who have been married for more than 20 years. What I can do, however, is testify to how God has begun healing wounds from my single years through only seven months of marriage. Maybe, just maybe, my testimony will encourage someone who, like me, spent much of their life struggling with the idea of marriage.

Especially in Christian culture, marriage is sometimes presented from the pulpit as though it represents a higher spiritual rank. I once worked at a ministry where a man was promoted to a higher position after proposing to his longtime girlfriend. The fact that his engagement seemed to be the deciding factor in whether he deserved the promotion never sat right with me. That is not to discredit the beauty of marriage or God's purpose for it. At that point in my life, however, I was carrying a complicated mixture of beliefs. I had grown up seeing unhealthy, unhappy marriages. Then, after being radically saved in my early twenties, I discovered that godly, joyful marriages really did exist. What I did not admit for a long time was that, although I now believed a good marriage was possible with God, I still did not desire one.

Marriage was not something I regularly dwelled on. But whenever people rushed to the altar to receive prayer for a spouse, I endured curious stares from church members and even leaders. Their expressions seemed to say, You're single. You should be up here.

My returning stare probably said, I don't want to be up there, and that should be okay.

There was some confusion in my heart and probably some pride tucked away in there, too. Several times, I was tempted to ask God, Why don't I desire marriage? But I never listened long enough to hear His answer. I simply moved on.

The Marriage I Never Dreamed Of

Fast-forward to a few days ago. I was a little more than seven months into the most amazing marriage I never dreamed of, married to my wonderful husband, Christopher.

I was lying in our bed, weeping heavily and trying to cover my face with the comforter. Chris knew I was struggling with something. Without saying much, he told me, "I'm coming up there with you." He meant that he was coming upstairs to lie beside me.

For what felt like forever, he lay there without saying a word. He wiped away the tears streaming from my eyes - tears that felt as though they would never stop. Then I felt his gentle but reassuring hand rubbing the top of my head, comforting and consoling me.

He did not say a single word, and I am glad he did not. As he rubbed my head, I began crying tears that had been trapped inside me for years. It felt as though God were performing internal surgery on my soul. The image of the Good Shepherd comforting one of His hurting sheep came to mind. God was using my husband's hand to show me a physical example of what it looks and feels like to be cared for by the Shepherd.

I heard the Holy Spirit tell me:

"I am your Shepherd, but your husband is your shepherd, too. I am in him for you."

In that moment, I realized that I had spent my life afraid of ending up in a bad marriage - one that would break me. Instead, God had blessed me with a beautiful marriage that was helping to mend me.

The Fear I Had Been Carrying

Eventually, I began to calm down. When Chris started to get out of bed, I grabbed him because I did not want him to leave before I had communicated how grateful I was.

He turned toward me with his gentle eyes, and with my heart in my throat, I blurted out:

"All my life, I was scared of ending up in a bad marriage. I never wanted to be married. You're the only man who ever made me want to be married." I said a few other things that I will leave out because they were too precious and sacred, meant only for us.

When I finished, he looked at me with such kindness and love. In his gentle but strong voice, he said confidently, "I love you so much. You love me. We both love God, and we will never have a bad marriage." I believe him with my whole heart. More importantly, I believe my Good Shepherd with my whole heart. Whatever fear had been stuck and tucked away somewhere deep inside me is gone.

Cycles Do Not Fit on the Narrow Path

We are not naive about the ups and downs of marriage. We are simply determined to love each other through them. We have had to face the painful reality of divorce within our own families and decide that we will not continue that cycle.

One of the beautiful benefits of following Jesus down the narrow path is that cycles do not fit there.

To anyone reading this who carries a known or hidden fear of a bad marriage, or even a bad life, I want to testify that God can use the very thing you fear to make you instead of break you. Come back in a few years, and perhaps I will have some marriage advice. For now, this is simply a testimony of the Good Shepherd. I trust that He will place it before the eyes of whoever needs its encouragement. If that is you, send me an email. I would love to hear your story. - Grace and Peace, Grace Curtsinger

Smiles from 18 stories high.